Monday, July 9, 2012

Day 6 and Letting Go.

I've been using the patches for 6 full days. Nothin'. No improvement whatsoever. I'm not surprised but I am disappointed.  Truthfully, I am also relieved. When you are desperate to do something to make it better, thoughts are not always rational. Thoughts such as, "what will I do if he does show improvement with the patches?"  Would I really want to continue with a horse like that? Would it depend on how fully he recovered? Probably not. So I am relieved that it's clearly not working and therefore I don't have more difficult decisions.

I've grieved and processed. I've cried and rallied my last emotional reserves. And now I am finally, finally, letting go. I am accepting that Willy is an idiopathic headshaker and that there really isn't anything I can do about it.

For the first time, I've started to feel angry. Not at Willy, poor boy, but just in general. That I had to have this experience. That this horse and I really do connect in a way that is hard to find. That I haven't been able to fix him. Still plenty of grief too. Also guilty. I was supposed to make him better.

So yes, I'm still an emotional soup but now that I have a certain level of acceptance it's easier to think about just letting go. He's tried hard enough for me over these last months, he doesn't need to work through pain anymore. I don't exactly know my next steps beyondtalking to the vet and Willy's owners some more.

It's been quite the ride.


Melissa-ParadigmFarms said...

The whole situation really does just stink. I am sorry for you, I know how frustrating it is, what a roller coaster you have been on, and what a toll it takes. I hope you feel relieved once you have had a bit of time to accept your decision (which I agree with).

It doesn't feel like it right now but there are more wonderful partners that you connect with waiting for you. I've been blessed to own and ride several "heart horses." After the first one I thought there could never be another but I was so wrong.

RuckusButt said...

Thanks Melissa. This definitely was not part of the plan. I do hope to find another partner in due course, though the thought is rather daunting.