Day 6 and Letting Go.

I've been using the patches for 6 full days. Nothin'. No improvement whatsoever. I'm not surprised but I am disappointed.  Truthfully, I am also relieved. When you are desperate to do something to make it better, thoughts are not always rational. Thoughts such as, "what will I do if he does show improvement with the patches?"  Would I really want to continue with a horse like that? Would it depend on how fully he recovered? Probably not. So I am relieved that it's clearly not working and therefore I don't have more difficult decisions.

I've grieved and processed. I've cried and rallied my last emotional reserves. And now I am finally, finally, letting go. I am accepting that Willy is an idiopathic headshaker and that there really isn't anything I can do about it.

For the first time, I've started to feel angry. Not at Willy, poor boy, but just in general. That I had to have this experience. That this horse and I really do connect in a way that is hard to find. That I haven't been able to fix him. Still plenty of grief too. Also guilty. I was supposed to make him better.

So yes, I'm still an emotional soup but now that I have a certain level of acceptance it's easier to think about just letting go. He's tried hard enough for me over these last months, he doesn't need to work through pain anymore. I don't exactly know my next steps beyondtalking to the vet and Willy's owners some more.

It's been quite the ride.