Fearing the Worst; Hoping for the Best.

This morning I had a big scare. I had a friend coming over at 10 who was going to help me with some yard work. At 8:45, I was almost out the door to walk Hazel when I got a call from my mom. She idly chatted and then asked if I had heard from Alex. She asks me this all the time so I offhandedly said we spoke Saturday morning and that I had expected his call last night but didn’t hear from him. This isn’t unusual and I don’t worry about it – it isn’t easy making calls from where he is, with the work he does, and the time difference.

Then my mom told me that she heard about a helicopter accident in northern BC. I don’t really remember what else we said, it was too much to process. I didn’t react much and she said she’d stop by later. Although I wanted to get online right away, I also had Hazel at the front door waiting and I told myself another 30 minutes wasn’t going to change anything. Plus I knew if Alex was going to call it would be around 9:30 and I wanted to make sure I was back by then. So I left.

I think the weight of the possibilities and the unknown began to sink in as I walked.  I literally felt cold, even though it was already about 30C(86F). If my stomach wasn’t already empty, I think I would have thrown up. My brain felt fuzzy and the ground was tilting funny.

I made it home and looked up the news. The article I read made everything worse. The details fit, to the best of my knowledge of where he was at the time. They weren’t releasing names because the family hadn’t been notified. I had been telling myself I would know by now, but that part about the families not being notified made me wonder if I really could find out about such a thing from a news story. I was sickeningly convinced of the worst and my tilted world had a hollow, surreal quality.

The story mentioned the name of the heli company, so I started looking up the documents about who my husband had contracted. Around 9:40, just as I had found the right files, the phone rang. I held my breath after saying hello, afraid the voice wouldn’t be my husband. But it was!  I instantly started crying my heart out. 

I was relieved but also was thinking that 3 family’s lives were going to be forever changed. I have a new understanding of what that could possibly feel like.  The rest of the day came in waves of recovery. My mom and I shared a good cry and I understood how hard it was from her perspective to tell me in the first place. She understands the amazing thing that Alex and I have found in each other.

Whew. Not a morning I will soon forget.